Touring the U.S.A.

I have decided to do a tour of the U.S. of goddamn A. to keep up with my good friend Scott (see his blog). I have put aside my jealousy and decided to keep up with the Jones’s. Yup, time for a tour of the Unmitigated Shambles of Aberdeenshire. My first stop was a trip to our very own Disney World…… Storybook Glen. Who needs Rollercoasters when you can get a papier-mache Humpty Dumpty to sit on – I had loads of fun…just sitting there….motionless. Who needs the world’s largest Disney Store in Downtown Disney when you can get all you need in the Dingle Dell Gift and Garden Centre. After that I went to Codonas Amusement Park. It’s like Busch Gardens meets Universal Studios – no shit (well, apart from the crusty decade-old-never-been-cleaned-off Seagull crap covering every outdoor ‘attraction’). Good old fashioned Waltzers spinning me around until I projectile vomit over some kid’s Candy Floss as he watches on – how can you even try to compare the girly little ‘Teacup’ ride to this kind of enjoyment. Here I also took a trip on the ‘Grampian Eye‘ – our very own version of the ‘London Eye’. Granted, at the top of the London version you can see the whole of London whereas at the top of Grampian’s I saw the whole of…well…the whole of Codonas Amusement Park (just) – but that’s not important. What is important is that we can do it all here. There is no need to cross the Atlantic to spend all of your savings only to spend half your time in queues – believe me, no-one is queueing up to go on this stuff.

I will keep you updated with details of my tour.

Jealous of Scott and his ‘adventure’? – I think not!

Andy

Optimism shocker

One of the headlines on the BBC website today is the earth-shattering “Poll suggests Iraqis ‘optimistic’”.

It then goes on to give a countless number of percentages on how things have changed throughout the country. “What counts is how the individual groupings, Sunni, Shia and Kurdish, feel – and especially the Sunnis, since much of the violence is from that quarter,”.
First off, what has Sunni and Shia got to do with it – they just made bad records, which as it happens made me want to go out and kill someone. And Secondly if there were 3 groups how can much of the violence come from one quarter. Is my licence fee really going towards such inaccurate journalism and poll-taking?

It then goes on to tell us that “In spite of all the improvements, the Sunni population of Iraq clearly remains deeply alienated, and deeply hostile,” - no shit Sherlock – thanks for the update. This accurate piece of journalism is then followed up by “Some 62% of those polled say security in their own area is good – up from 43% last year – but exactly half of all Iraqis still rate security as the biggest problem for the country overall.” - did I read that right -”exactly half” – “exactly” – that’s not a word you should just throw into such an important piece unless you can back it up. What I also fail to understand is how “those polled” could have risen at all since last year – I’m pretty sure a hell of a lot of “those polled” are now pushing up some Iraqi daisies given the cull that has been going on over the past 12 months.

BBC3 is starting to look like a good use of our licence fee when compared to this drivel.

Andy

Small minded people

Miserable weather again today and walking back from my lunch spotted what is certainly one of my pet hates. Small people with big umbrellas – what the hell are they thinking? Walking up and down Union Street, the busiest street in the North of Scotland – either completely oblivious of their own stupidity or simply not giving a toss. The offender in question today was a rather small Business Man with a Golf Umbrella – a definite case of small-man-syndrome. He knew what he was doing but he just wants to ‘fit in’. Fitting in is the last thing this numptee is doing – having a Golf Umbrella sticking out at the average persons head height while striding care-free down a busy pavement fits about as much as a dead epileptic. When the rules of common sense are ignored there should be laws to prevent this kind of thing. I have lost count of the amount of times I’ve been attacked by an umbrella while minding my own business or nearly had an eye out as a result of a stray umbrella spoke.

I remember watching ‘The Open’ on the BBC many years ago and saw a female dwarf with a Golf Umbrella and thinking to myself ‘what the hell!?’ – I mean, just because you’re at a Golf course doesn’t mean that only Golf umbrellas keep the rain off. You have a small body woman and have been standing in the same spot for what has probably been hours on end at the edge of the 18th green – is there really a need to block the view of 15 people behind you or to protect an area around yourself suitable for several more little-people?

This is not an attack on small people – just small people with small brains. A little consideration from the little people is not asking too much, surely.

Andy

Blogging on

I must admit, before putting pen to keyboard for the first time on here I began to feel slightly nervous about putting my feelings and/or thoughts ‘out there’ – wherever the hell ‘out there’ actually is. Why be nervous though? – it’s not as if anyone other than myself and a couple of mates (I really must find a second one) will ever read the damn thing. On top of that, what is there to be nervous about? Yes I have opinions and yes they might upset one or two people but I’m also confident that I will not be the recipient of the first ever Viral Fatwa.

So here I am, ink all over my Space Bar, making those first tentative steps into a Blogging existence. My good friend Scott has been doing this for some time now with his very amusing “Nothing going on but the rent” which I would advise you to take a peak at if you get a second.

I guess I should explain the title I have given my own scribblings before I get inundated (ahem) with emails. Maybe I can set up my own FAQ once I get used to all this. Well, it’s basically this….

I am 34 years old and at times feel like an OAP. I have Psoriatic Arthritis which effects some of the joints in my body – some days are fine but some days are not. Now before you start getting all sorry for me please don’t. To look at me I look normal (no comments please) apart from the odd limp when my knee or foot is giving me jip. It’s not like I qualify for a Disabled Parking Bay at Asda – although when I see some of the non-limpers getting out of their car and jogging the 3 yards to the entrance before getting into their electric cart-come-trolley – I probably should. No, I’m just a guy with a fairly mild arthritic condition (when compared to the real sufferers out there) who’s body feels less like a temple and more like a ruin. As you can imagine at 34 this is infuriating given that it prevents me from doing a hell of a lot. I might not have been the most active of people beforehand but I liked the ability to at least have the ability. Anyway, getting back to the story. Psoriatic Arthritis as the name might suggest is linked to Psoriasis – a skin condition. I have had Psoriasis for several years now but have been fortunate I guess to only have a couple of small patches of this dry flaky skin condition (sorry, no way of ’sexing’ this shit up) – neither of which are really visible. Some poor buggers get it all over their body and face so I can really sympathise with them. However, my ‘luck’ ran out when I started to get painful joints which after a number of consultations was diagnosed as Psoriatic Arthritis and I am now on drugs to (hopefully) stop it from getting increasingly worse. It turns out that 1 in 14 people with Psoriasis get Psoriatic Arthritis (funny, I don’t remember being told of that possibility at the time). Yes, I am that lucky one. Why is it whenever I have placed a bet on a 14-1 against it has never come up when even the law of averages should have made me a winner on several occasions but when it comes to the JPL (Joint Pain Lottery) my numbers come up? So, why the talcum power? Well, it was these several years ago that I decided to put on some talcum powder after a bath – the first time I had used the stuff since I was knee high to a Ronnie Corbett and I only used it because I saw it sitting there reminding me of my childhood. It was just after this that my Psoriasis started up and I am absolutely convinced it was down to the white stuff. So Mr Talcum – I hope you’re happy you complete bastard. I urge you all to boycott this most evil of white powders (yes, I’m including Cocaine in that statement) – be safe people and spread the word – together we can cure the world of this disease.

As you can imagine the negative effects of all this on my physical being have rubbed off on my whole view of life in general therefore having an effect on anything I may write about in this blog. I’m less worried about voicing my opinions or telling it ‘how it is’. I know I’m not always right (please don’t let my better half in on the secret) and I’m not stupid enough to voice such opinions as to hurt those around me. They are usually aimed at people I feel deserve it. People that in some way may be ignorant of their own ignorance. People like Mr Talcum.

Andy